Anger, a misunderstood emotion and how ‘taking deep breaths’ is not always helpful

Anger, a misunderstood emotion and how ‘taking deep breaths’ is not always helpful

Do you experience days where you just lose control over yourself and scream at someone?  Days where you lock yourself in a room quietly because you can feel that anger boiling within you but you cannot express it? 

People around you make remarks like, “You’re so angry all the time.” “You get angry and shout at the smallest things.” “Why do you shut us out every time we tease you?”  

Let’s take a look at what we mean when we say we’re angry, shall we? 

Rediscovering the meaning behind Anger

In the most simplified terms, anger is an emotion, a signal that we are alerted to when something feels unfair, when we feel a certain level of helplessness in that moment. Anger arises when our reality is threatened, especially in environments where voicing our needs is unsafe. Anger is a very natural response to our deeper needs or wants like safety, connection or respect are not being adequately met. In early childhood, we may have learned to suppress our anger in order to preserve attachment with our close ones, turning outward blame to inward shame. But the impulse towards anger never really vanished, it adapted. As children, our nervous systems were still learning how to regulate overwhelming feelings. So when we had big emotional reactions, like tantrums over a toy or crying when we felt misunderstood, many of us were met with dismissal, ignorance, shaming or even punishment. Maybe we were told, ‘Good children don’t cry nor scream like this.’ or ‘Keep quiet or I’ll give you something to cry about.’ Or they might even slap us to quieten us. These responses didn’t just shut down our behaviour but also shut down our authentic emotional expression. We learned it wasn’t safe to feel, to express anger even, in such moments. 

Anger in our Indian households is often misunderstood as rebellion, disobedience, or disrespect even rather than a valid emotional response. Questioning the elders, even when done respectfully, is seen as defiance most of the time. If a child innocently voices out, “That hurt me.”, it’s seen as disrespect rather than emotional honesty. The child is shamed instead. 

It has been drilled in our heads that expressing anger is destructive, that it needs to be kept locked up. But in reality, anger has been acting as a shield for all the emotions that are lying hidden underneath. All this time we thought that anger was something that needed to be removed from the equation. But it has been trying to tell us several things at once: 

• That we are being hurt
• That we are not addressing an important emotional issue in our lives
• That too much of our ‘Self’ is being chipped away in our relationships 
• That our beliefs, our wants are being violated 

What does the outlet of this anger look like?

Anger doesn’t look the same for everyone. Some people were raised in families where the slamming of the doors was normal. So when people were mad, they would bang the doors around the house to signal that they were angry. Others slowly learned with time that swallowing their anger, keeping it hidden from the others would be the best for everyone involved. But it sometimes does leak out via sarcastic comments or silent treatments. 

Some of us tend to lash out with cruel words, name-calling or vile mockery, not because we necessarily mean it but because that’s all we’ve seen while we were growing up. It’s what we know protects us when we’re cornered. For some of us, anger might have been expressed through fists or slaps even. No one in our surroundings taught us a more safe way of expressing ourselves. Then there are some of us who prefer to silently remove ourselves from the room when something makes our blood boil. When expressing our emotions becomes hard, isolating seems like a better choice than choosing to verbalise.

Many times we avoid confrontation, letting the heat simmer until it bursts in random outbursts over something as small as a slow reply. This anger, though, is not always directed outwards at others. It can sometimes look like blaming ourselves, indulging in harsh self-talk or even self-harming. There are even the ones who might seem okay on the outside but later on, might snap at some innocent bystander, just because they didn’t have the capacity to be angry where it pained them. 

Anger is definitely a natural emotion but the way we express it? It’s a learned response. A response that we can unlearn and rewire to benefit ourselves and our relationships. While the urge to express anger is instinctual, how we express it is shaped by our nervous system and sense of safety. Many of our anger responses are not just learned but also adaptive and protective patterns developed with time. The good news? These patterns aren’t fixed. With somatic work, self awareness and relational safety, we can begin to repattern how anger moves through us, so that it serves connection rather than disconnection. Then we won’t have to silence it or explode with it. We can learn to honour anger without hurting ourselves or others. 

Anger: The tip of the iceberg. What really lies underneath?

What are the feelings that lie underneath all that anger? Do we really take the time to notice the other feelings that are buried beneath it? The Anger iceberg helps us to grasp the idea of how anger is a ‘secondary emotion’ which is protecting the underlying emotions that we are too scared to face, else we might be flooded with emotions that might be too much for us to handle or express even. Anger is like the tip of the iceberg. The shouting, the snapping, the shutting down: are all at the surface level. Some therapists use the approach Internal Family Systems (IFS) to help us grasp this concept better. The door slamming, sarcasm are parts of us that are trying to prevent us from the pain while when the wound does get triggered, the reactive parts like the explosive rage show up with the intention of needing to stop the pain right at that instant. Beneath it are the more vulnerable wounded parts we so often struggle to understand or express: sadness, fear, grief, shame, disappointment, helplessness, feeling dismissed, losing control. These emotions can be uncomfortable or overwhelming, so our mind prefers to take the support of anger to defend us over dealing with these feelings. 

It’s so much easier to be angry than to say, “I’m scared you’ll leave me.”, or “I feel like I don’t really matter.”  It’s easy to take hold of anger because anger gives us the illusion of power when we feel powerless. As a child, we were never allowed to express our fear or vulnerability. Our caregivers never helped us in co-regulating these big feelings with us.     Most of us weren’t taught how to address these big feelings or how to hold them also. So anger takes over our mind before we know it, because that’s all our nervous system knows how to function.  

Why does expressing vulnerability feel unsafe? Many of us grew up in environments where we were only accepted and loved when we were easy to deal with. If we cried too much, asked too much, we were shunned or mocked maybe. Many of us learned to associate these tender emotions with shame. If we were criticised for expressing them, it became easier to show our rage rather than our pain. Opening up to people about our inner turmoil requires giving trust and control to them, which is very difficult for some of us who’ve been dismissed or abandoned in the past. Therefore, so many of us hold onto anger as a lifeline, to keep our dignity intact. 

According to trauma specialist Dr. Stephen Porges, “When your nervous system senses threat, logic goes offline. Your body prepares to fight, flee, or freeze.” In simple words, when we sense something as scary or overwhelming; whether it’s an argument, a rejection or a harsh tone, our brain stops to think clearly. Our body prepares to protect us from coming face to face with the hurt. Over time these look more like survival responses than choices of our own.  

Anger is often a ‘fight’ response rather than a flight or freeze one. It mobilises the energy to confront what we perceive as a threat at that moment. Our brain’s amygdala hijacks all the logic and sends a danger signal which leads to an increase in our heart rate, muscle tension and adrenaline surges. The thinking part of our brain (prefrontal cortex) goes offline and the impulsive behaviour (anger) can take over us. 

That’s why when we’re feeling that wrath and someone’s telling us to ‘calm down’ or ‘take deep breaths’, it might make it worse. It might feel like we’re trying to force a calm when all we might need in that moment is a sense of safety. That safety can look different for everyone and comes in varying forms of comfort. For some, it might be words of reassurance, for others it might be someone validating their feelings and experience. 

Expressing these emotions that drive anger to the surface might often be quite challenging for many of us. It can be viewed as a sign of weakness or these underlying emotions can be unacceptable responses leading to anger being the best sought socially acceptable response to hurt. 

Gender and Cultural Differences in Anger Expression Do men find it easier to express anger than women?

Research studies indicate that males are more susceptible to displaying anger even though females have a tendency of being more emotionally expressive over males. A study conducted by Sadeh, Javdani, Finy, and Verona (2011) suggests that females experience anger, but may express it differently than males. Fischer and Evers (2011) showed how instead of expressing anger by striking objects, adolescent females may talk to their friends or peers. 

Females express anger similarly to males but may experience difficulty in recognizing and admitting the feeling owing to the social expectations and restraints. Women are taught to be adjusting, obedient and quiet. If they speak up, they’re considered rude. They have been forced to fit in a box where they’re supposed to be soft and nurturing while males since childhood have been encouraged to express their anger. This has led to anger being men’s learned response where they overly rely on anger and are unable to identify nor express hurt, shame, guilt, helplessness freely. How are women supposed to express anger when showing anger is frowned upon for them?

Our Indian cultural norms encourage us to wield restraint, suppress anger, to avoid disrupting social peace, else what will people say? A society like India’s rarely questions the parents when they express and dominate their children with anger. 

Why does taking deep breaths feel inadequate?

Trying to inhale and exhale at the count of 4 when the emotions are running high might actually worsen the emotional states rather than doing much good to us. Why might it be? 

• Focusing on our breath can backfire in the heat of the moment: When we’re already feeling furious, trying to slow down and watch our breath can make us feel more trapped and out of control. Instead of trying to calm us down, this might sharpen our senses of how fast our heart is beating, how shallow our breath is or how tight our chest feels. This can actually cause our anger to spike rather than lessen. As one Reddit user said: “If I'm already anxious, trying to do a breathing exercise can push me into a panic attack…. I feel like I forget how to breathe and then breathe myself into a panic.”

• It can set off old traumatic memories: For some people who might have gone through traumatic events, might find it extremely scary or unsafe to tap into their body or breath. The attention drawn to the tightening of the chest might feel familiar to an old wound which can trigger them.
• It can lead to irregular breathing patterns: In moments of intense emotions, we’re already breathing quite heavily. And when we’re trying to force long pauses or slow breathing to bring about regulation, it might have the opposite of the desired effect. It might give rise to gasping or holding the breath for too long which can leave people feeling more suffocated or dizzy. 
• It’s hard to count breaths when emotions take over: Unless someone has practiced breathing exercises regularly, it’s not easy to remember them when anger takes hold of the body. The brain goes offline when we’re too overwhelmed. So even if we know breathing helps, we might not be equipped to take control of ourselves right then. 
• Breathing isn’t effective during high levels of anger: Their effectiveness depends heavily on the timing of when they’re used. Research studies show that breathing exercises work best as preventative measures or when the anger is at a low level. Once anger reaches the other end of the spectrum, the window for effective breath regulation may already be closed. 
• Breathing doesn’t solve the root problem: Breath regulation might help slow down the nervous system in the moment, but the real issue of feeling sad, disappointed, rejected or unsafe doesn’t disappear. They still persist, lingering in the background, waiting for another opportunity to surface in the form of anger. 

Anger, most often, stems from deeper emotions and while breathing exercises might be a helpful supportive tool, it cannot replace emotional processing and validation of the suppressed feelings. If anxiety accompanies your anger, our anxiety treatment in India page covers additional options. 

Alternatives when Breathing fails

When all forms of breathing exercises fail us, here are a few alternative approaches that can be employed: 

• Physical movements: During anger, our body is filled with energy, waiting to be released. If we try to sit still and breathe, that pressure within us builds up. But if we move around and expel that energy, we tend to activate our parasympathetic system which is our body’s natural cool down mode. Moving around can look like shaking our hands out, punching a pillow, going for a brisk walk, doing 10 push-ups and more such body movements. 
• Distraction techniques: Think of your angry thoughts like a fidget toy that’s spinning and bumping around in our heads. Sometimes what we need is giving our brains a break before getting back to the concern. We can try shifting our focus to grounding techniques like identifying 5 things we can see, 4 things we can hear, 3 things we can touch, 2 things we can smell and 1 thing we can taste. Being observant of our surrounding environment can help re-engage our mind.
• Using time and space: Taking a step back from the situation in case we feel we might say or do something we will regret. It can look like needing a minute to step away from the problem, splashing our face with water, sitting in a quiet room for a while and coming back to it 10-15 minutes later. Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, a neuroanatomist, says that taking a 90 second pause lets our brain pass through that emotional state. 
• Social and emotional support: Research shows that feeling heard and supported helps in regulating the big emotions more than self-soothing. So drop in that message to a friend, vent out to someone you love, ask for a hug. 

Snipes, in her Youtube video, encourages us to challenge anger myths and recognise how early family dynamics may have shaped our anger responses. The video even goes on to cover skills that help to de-escalate anger in the moment in the form of identifying early warning signs, doing mindfulness hourly, identifying our vulnerabilities along with communicating our feelings and thoughts with assertiveness to others.  

How can therapy help?

A reddit user expressed concerns over how therapy might be all about breathwork. A very valid concern to have when one might have had bad experiences with therapy or have heard about others’ experiences that weren’t satisfactory. But therapy is not a one size fits all shoe. It has a wide variety of approaches that can be designed as a toolkit for each individual’s unique needs. Let’s see how therapy might be actually helpful for you. 

• Internal Family Systems (IFS) treats that anger as a part of you. It doesn’t make it your whole identity. It believes you’ve got different emotional parts inside: parts that come out when feeling insecure, parts that hide when feeling hurt. 
• Somatic Therapy helps to listen to our body’s signals and slowly release what’s stuck in there. It helps us to feel safe within our own bodies, bodies that are not hijacked by anger at any given moment through gentle movements, slowing down. 
• Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) helps us to gently go back to the old moments of wounds and process them at our own pace so that the alarm bells don’t ring all the time at the tiniest hint of that familiar pain. This is done via simple tools like tapping or side eye-to-eye movements. 
• Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) helps us identify and change the thought patterns that are not serving us. It helps us with techniques like grounding, healthy communication and how deep breathing actually works. 
• Psychodynamic Therapy explores our early childhood experiences and our relationship patterns that have shaped us as we are today. It connects the dots of why and how we are the way we are now, understanding ourselves at a deeper level and shifting the patterns that are holding us back. 

Some reddit users have reported how they’ve had positive experiences with therapy for anger management, and have improved their emotional regulation and coping mechanisms. They’ve found consistency and the willingness to confront their issues has been essential in them seeing the results of therapy. Therapist’s approach, individual’s willingness to participate and the issues being addressed have been found to be the key factors for the effectiveness of therapy. 

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/18fzw5s/does_therapy_really_works_do_people_with_anger/

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Written by the therapists at Coach For Mind